I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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