I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
