I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
