Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
