I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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