i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is Oprah even human
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
