i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's the barista slut.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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