Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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