I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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