Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
