For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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