as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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