i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
