Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
