I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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