I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
