3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
