don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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