corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
