I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
