Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
