it was like his penis was on wheels.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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