Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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