My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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