sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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