that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
