i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
