YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize