She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
