Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
