Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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