That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
