if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
