he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize