Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
