Please, let me fuck your mom
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
