dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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