the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
