i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
