Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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