I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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