Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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