Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize