I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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