happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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