Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
