Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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