Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
