The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He shit in the fireplace
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
