remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
