Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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