Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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