Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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