Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Who died my cat blue again?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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