One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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