took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
