woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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