Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
