Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
