I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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